Day 7:

Wearing a mask

Some borderlines have learned to cope with their emotions by wearing a mask. Your real self is buried under the pain and the fear and has been left behind at the developmental stage at which you were last able to be yourself. For most borderlines, the separation from self happens at a relatively young age when emotionally there is too much pain.

The mask is put on as a defence mechanism to survive turmoil. Masks are walls that block not only the borderline from others, but also from themselves. Many make up for their lack of self-love by over compensating, fooling people into believing they are overly self confident and even happy.

I have worn a mask probably for my whole life. It was the only way I could cope and get through it. I had to pretend to fit in, never being my true self. Mirroring people so you get the correct response from them to get their acceptance. To fit in. Protecting the part of yourself that you are too afraid to show.

You don't know how to be yourself because you don't know who your true self is. I have spent a lifetime trying to make up for my self-hatred by doing all these things. I fooled my own children for years. I couldn't let them see who I really was. I wanted them to believe I was strong and capable and that they could rely on me. I wanted them to think I was ok. How could I tell them that behind my mask is a broken child, a terrified person who says "I'm fine" when I want to scream that I'm not fine, I'm hurting, please help me, but I always said "I'm fine". I panic at the thought of my fear and weakness being exposed. My mask helps me to act, to pretend.

We'll talk tomorrow, don't forget to vote....