Day 21:

My Therapy:

I could never face talking about anything in therapy. I had never spoken about anything to anybody before, so years of things that were buried deep would stay buried. I was silent - a lot! I was in a room with people "acting out", being agressive, shouting and who even got angry and frustrated with me for not talking. You are poked and prodded into talking and made to feel a failure for not doing so. As if you are wasting people's time. There is no patience, no understanding and no help for not being able to talk. I got to realise that I just didn't trust anyone enough to be able to open up. My mind was always in a panic, thinking that I had better say something, anything to satisfy them. 

I will avoid having a conversation if possible because it is so stressful. My mind is going at 100 miles per hour, analysing what I should say next, wondering if the other person is judging me and god forbid there should be an awkward silence! That's when the real panic starts. 

So, to cut a long story short, I was in therapy for 16 months and finished last august. I felt no better, probably even worse as it had stirred up things and brought them to the surface. What was I supposed to do with them? My OCD was not talked about and my depression and anxiety not dealt with. It was like "off you go then, you're cured!"

In my review I expressed my concerns the best I could and, after leaving, had several setbacks. These resulted in me being referred for more therapy and seeing my old care- coordinator, once a month, until my appointment date. She has recommended more group therapy!! I am terrified once again and I have the date for the appointment- end of May. I just don't understand why I am having therapy in a group when I am clearly not going to say much. I think because I can't really express my needs, people walk all over me..