Day 8:

Push/Pull

Most people with Borderline Personality Disorder go through a continuous cycle of push/pull. It seems we are incapable of adult emotional intimacy and push away the people we love the most.
This stems from childhood abandonment/neglect suffered at an early stage of development. The borderline hasn't matured enough emotionally to the degree required to have healthy adult intimacy. They have learned that their needs were not met by their mother/caregiver and they assume they will not be met by a partner. Sometimes the past and present are merged together and, because the damage from the past is carried into adulthood, something in a relationship will "trigger" them back into memories and they will respond to their partner as they would to their mother/caregiver.

The BPD sufferer will draw you close, perceive that you will not meet their needs, then push you away. This cycle continues and often the person with BPD does not even know they are doing it. It is absolute turmoil, not only for the borderline but also for the person on the receiving end. You love the person one minute and it switches to absolute hate. I mean you hate the way they walk, talk, eat, everything about them. You need to get that person away from you no matter what the cost. However, once they are gone, you miss them, want them back, love them again and then the cycle starts all over again.

I realised I was doing this in my mid 30s and tried desperately to control it or to stop it but couldn't. It got to the point where I just waited for it to happen, knowing it would, until I decided it was probably best not to have another relationship. Not to hurt or confuse another person. I tried once to explain it to a partner but it didn't go well. It is so hard not to take something like that personally. It is just another reason to be alone...