Day 11:

Identity

BPD sufferers may feel the need to feel in control of other people because they feel so out of control with themselves. They may be trying to make their world more predictable and manageable. They may also choose a lifestyle where choices are made for them e.g the military or may involve themselves in abusive relationships where they are controlled by fear. These are two conflicting scenarios. This is because borderlines have a serious identity disturbance.

This means they have a distorted or inconsistent view of themselves. This makes them act, speak or think in ways which are contradictory. Their thoughts can switch from self-serving to self-effacing. They can make healthy choices one minute and be self-destructive the next. They can appear capable in one area of their life but fall apart in another. It is extremely confusing and frightening.

One minute they may be energetic and the next lethargic and withdrawn. One day you decide to be an astronaut, the next a showjumper and then you want to move to the country to bake biscuits. You have no idea what you want. Because of the lack of a true sense of self, borderlines have sudden and dramatic shifts in self-image. They shift goals and values and change their opinions and plans. Their self-image is based on the fact they see themselves as bad, worthless people.

People have often told me that I am more than capable of doing X, Y and Z and why aren't I doing things with my life etc and it upsets me so much. I definitely have no idea who I am, what I want from life or where I fit in this world. This has made me feel guilty my whole life. I am only just beginning to understand it myself, I'm learning as I hope you are. Without knowing who I am, I suppose I can't develop a sense that I am worthwhile or deserving of respect. So for the people that have told me I am wasting my talents, that I'm lazy or making excuses, I hope you now understand that I didn't know how to answer you...