Day 25:

Parenting:

On doing research into being a parent with BPD, once again I was disheartened with suggestions that we make unsuitable parents.

 Apparently, our children become greatly damaged by default, do not have their needs met and probably become borderlines themselves. While I have no doubt there are bound to be some children damaged to varying degrees, I truly hope that I have been the best mother that I could possibly be. I think it is possible to have a mental illness and be a parent. Not perfectly, but thoughtfully and with great love. 

There was no-one I could ask for advice and I didn't have a good role model, so I had to figure it out the best I could. I just know that I didn't want my children feeling the sadness and loneliness that I felt as a child. It has by no means been easy but I tried to hide the way I was feeling as much as I possibly could. Obviously, there were times when I would supress so many emotions, that they would sometimes spill out. Sometimes my children's emotions would transport me back to my own childhood. When they are hurting, it is like their pain is mine and my thinking spirals into thoughts that they may one day end up feeling unable to cope with the world just like me. Sometimes I think our roles are reversed. Almost like they parent me. I can only think that this is my inner child searching for love, acceptance and validation. Logically I know they must love me, but I don't believe they do. Sometimes I have over- compensated and been over protective, trying to "save" them from the pain and fear that I felt. We talk about things and we laugh together. I respect them because they are amazing. They have seen me struggle but they have also seen me fight on. I have hidden so much from them but now I hope I am more honest about my illness. Now they are old enough to understand more about it. 

I have bad days when everyone is evil and everything is wrong, but I hope they know it is not their fault. I hope they have found some sort of answer as to what is going on inside my head. My children are the most important people in the world to me. I have always tried to make them feel important and loved and I hope they can recognise the good that I have done and forgive the bad. I have made mistakes but so have mothers without BPD. My illness has created challenges for me and them but parenting can create challenges for anyone.