About Myself:
Firstly, I would
like to thank everyone for their comments yesterday. Some lovely
things were said and great that other people are opening up about
what they have been through. Also a lovely offer from my Felicia
about coming to St Lucia. I just need to explain something...
You must remember,
I've been feeling this way for a very long time, as long as I can
remember. It is what I know, it is what I'm used to and , in a weird
way, what I'm comfortable with. I live with it every day and
would never accept help from anyone. I know this is another reason I
am so alone but asking for help feels impossible. I feel I deserve to
be going through this, that I am a bad person. No amount of "no
you're not" or "let me help you" will make me feel
that I deserve or can accept help. When I say it out loud, it sounds
selfish and wallowing and ridiculous, but it doesn't feel like that.
It probably seems stupid that I wouldn't just let someone in but I
can't. I have learnt that people hurt you, abuse you and use you.
Sometimes it feels like someone else is living my life and I am
watching from outside. I don't know how to connect with people and
because I feel so awkward, I stay away from them. I have always been
independent, even with this illness, and I see asking for help as a
weakness. I am struggling with extremes of emotion carried along by
extremes of mood that leave me feeling powerless and yet I still
think I deserve no help.
I do appreciate everyone's offers and
remarks, but I just don't know what to do with them. Sorry this has
turned into a bit of a therapy session. Apologies......
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