suicidal.....

I'm about to post something that I wrote a few weeks ago when I was feeling hopeless, helpless and suicidal. I'm sorry if my words offend anyone but it is often how I feel. It is a big part of my life. Usually I wouldn't write down what I'm feeling because I can't identify it or explain it but, my fabulous tutor in my media class, asked me to try so here it is.....




When your mind works against you, telling you that you are worthless and you have to do as it says. It controls you and tries to lead you down the wrong path. Something inside you knows it's the wrong path but you still walk there anyway. Wanting someone to stop you, a stranger, anybody but there's no-one there. So your mind is winning all the time. It is a constant battle. Not to listen to it, with it's incessant nagging that you're useless and no-one loves you and no-one cares. Part of you hopes that it's lying but you believe what it tells you. How can someone as awful as you still exist? Who wants you here? Who will miss you when you're gone? Constant questioning, fighting with your own mind and giving up when you realise it is too powerful. It seems easier to stop fighting because it is too painful and too hard. Again, your mind has beaten you down and showed it's strength. You are left feeling weak, exhausted and vulnerable. Eventually it releases it's hold and lets you have a little breathing space just because it can. It wants you to be strong enough for the next fight. You know there will be another one shortly, there always is.....