Day 6:

Triggers

People with Borderline Personality Disorder feel emotions more easily, more deeply and for longer than others do. They are also hyper-vigilant. Emotions repeatedly surge and persist for a long time. It takes longer than normal for BPD sufferers to return to a stable emotional baseline following an intense emotional experience. If most people's emotional baseline is 20 on a scale of 0 -100, then people with BPD are continuously at 80. What is sadness in most people would be overwhelming despair in a person with BPD. Anger becomes rage, fear becomes terror etc etc. BPD sufferers describe overwhelming, almost constant emotional pain. Strong emotions are very easily "triggered". Triggers are something that sets off a past traumatic event in our minds or causes us to have distressing thoughts. A sound or a word can bring us back to a place where we didn't feel safe and we may respond in the now with a similar reaction. 

These events can be external, something that happens outside of yourself, or internal, as in something that happens in your mind, like a memory or a thought. You may even have a trigger that sets off another trigger!

BPD individuals often behave in a way that is destructive to themselves and to those around them. This is called "acting-out". Those with, for instance, with Antisocial, Narcissistic and Histrionic personality disorders engage in this behaviour. 

However, I personally engage in something called "acting-in". 

I am more self-destructive than outwardly destructive. This is also known as being a "quiet borderline". All the emotions such as anger, aggression etc are internalised rather than verbalised or used to impact on others. This means that often people are unaware of the extent that I and other quiet borderlines experience pain and despair.

People that act-in often have a sense of isolation and a lack of connection to the outside world. They may spend lots of time rationalizing their emotions or harming themselves out of despair. There are inconsistent feelings, one minute self-hating and the next more confident. This inconsistency is common to all BPD sufferers but those with quiet borderline are more likely to hide this emotional reality from their loved ones in a way that becomes painfully isolating.

Day 7:

Wearing a mask

Some borderlines have learned to cope with their emotions by wearing a mask. Your real self is buried under the pain and the fear and has been left behind at the developmental stage at which you were last able to be yourself. For most borderlines, the separation from self happens at a relatively young age when emotionally there is too much pain.

The mask is put on as a defence mechanism to survive turmoil. Masks are walls that block not only the borderline from others, but also from themselves. Many make up for their lack of self-love by over compensating, fooling people into believing they are overly self confident and even happy.

I have worn a mask probably for my whole life. It was the only way I could cope and get through it. I had to pretend to fit in, never being my true self. Mirroring people so you get the correct response from them to get their acceptance. To fit in. Protecting the part of yourself that you are too afraid to show.

You don't know how to be yourself because you don't know who your true self is. I have spent a lifetime trying to make up for my self-hatred by doing all these things. I fooled my own children for years. I couldn't let them see who I really was. I wanted them to believe I was strong and capable and that they could rely on me. I wanted them to think I was ok. How could I tell them that behind my mask is a broken child, a terrified person who says "I'm fine" when I want to scream that I'm not fine, I'm hurting, please help me, but I always said "I'm fine". I panic at the thought of my fear and weakness being exposed. My mask helps me to act, to pretend.

We'll talk tomorrow, don't forget to vote....

Day 8:

Push/Pull

Most people with Borderline Personality Disorder go through a continuous cycle of push/pull. It seems we are incapable of adult emotional intimacy and push away the people we love the most.
This stems from childhood abandonment/neglect suffered at an early stage of development. The borderline hasn't matured enough emotionally to the degree required to have healthy adult intimacy. They have learned that their needs were not met by their mother/caregiver and they assume they will not be met by a partner. Sometimes the past and present are merged together and, because the damage from the past is carried into adulthood, something in a relationship will "trigger" them back into memories and they will respond to their partner as they would to their mother/caregiver.

The BPD sufferer will draw you close, perceive that you will not meet their needs, then push you away. This cycle continues and often the person with BPD does not even know they are doing it. It is absolute turmoil, not only for the borderline but also for the person on the receiving end. You love the person one minute and it switches to absolute hate. I mean you hate the way they walk, talk, eat, everything about them. You need to get that person away from you no matter what the cost. However, once they are gone, you miss them, want them back, love them again and then the cycle starts all over again.

I realised I was doing this in my mid 30s and tried desperately to control it or to stop it but couldn't. It got to the point where I just waited for it to happen, knowing it would, until I decided it was probably best not to have another relationship. Not to hurt or confuse another person. I tried once to explain it to a partner but it didn't go well. It is so hard not to take something like that personally. It is just another reason to be alone...

Day 9:

"Borderline"

Can I just start with a brief explanation of what the term "borderline" means. I don't think I gave a definition on day 1 and it is very important that I do.

For years, the condition was thought to be somewhere between psychosis and neurosis- on the borderline in fact. The term "borderline" didn't really describe the actual illness but the name stuck. Far more is known about BPD today, and it is now recognised to be a disorder characterised by intense emotional experiences and instability in relationships and behaviour.

Many experts are now calling for the name to be changed to a more appropriate name. Suggestions include Emotion Disregulation Disorder, Unstable Personality Disorder and Complex Post traumatic Stress Disorder.

So I just thought I would share that with you and if you don't mind, I will be back tomorrow. I'm not feeling too great today....

Day 10:

The Child Within

BPD sufferers are often prone to child-like behaviour. Their psychological/emotional maturity was "stuck" or trapped sometime in their youth due to some kind of loss, neglect or abuse. So from that point they have only had the identity components and relationship capacity of the child they were at the time of their trauma.Therefore, in the borderline individual, you have a physical/intellectual adult and a psychological/emotional child. The child in them is distressed, angry, scared and as this child matures, he/she builds a fortress (a mask) which gives the appearance of competence and security.

As they grow, the borderline can sense this facade and not much inside themselves feels real. This in turn makes then feel empty and hollow. The emotions and intellect are way out of sync. The borderline's intellect is aware that something is wrong but they can't control or identify what it is. This does not get better as they mature.

The maturity gap between the psychological/emotional and the intellect of a BPD person is extremely wide and pronounced which causes major interpersonal conflicts. They are continuously swinging between adult and disturbed child.

Day 11:

Identity

BPD sufferers may feel the need to feel in control of other people because they feel so out of control with themselves. They may be trying to make their world more predictable and manageable. They may also choose a lifestyle where choices are made for them e.g the military or may involve themselves in abusive relationships where they are controlled by fear. These are two conflicting scenarios. This is because borderlines have a serious identity disturbance.

This means they have a distorted or inconsistent view of themselves. This makes them act, speak or think in ways which are contradictory. Their thoughts can switch from self-serving to self-effacing. They can make healthy choices one minute and be self-destructive the next. They can appear capable in one area of their life but fall apart in another. It is extremely confusing and frightening.

One minute they may be energetic and the next lethargic and withdrawn. One day you decide to be an astronaut, the next a showjumper and then you want to move to the country to bake biscuits. You have no idea what you want. Because of the lack of a true sense of self, borderlines have sudden and dramatic shifts in self-image. They shift goals and values and change their opinions and plans. Their self-image is based on the fact they see themselves as bad, worthless people.

People have often told me that I am more than capable of doing X, Y and Z and why aren't I doing things with my life etc and it upsets me so much. I definitely have no idea who I am, what I want from life or where I fit in this world. This has made me feel guilty my whole life. I am only just beginning to understand it myself, I'm learning as I hope you are. Without knowing who I am, I suppose I can't develop a sense that I am worthwhile or deserving of respect. So for the people that have told me I am wasting my talents, that I'm lazy or making excuses, I hope you now understand that I didn't know how to answer you...

Day 12:

Suicide

Suicidality is a defining feature of Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD is the only personality disorder to have suicidal or self-injurious behaviour among its diagnostic criteria. Patients are at significant risk for completed suicide. As many as 80% of sufferers have suicidal behaviours and about 1 in 10 commit suicide.

Suicide stems from a desire to end your life, to die. Self-harmimg behaviours do not stem from a desire to die but some may be life-threatening. These behaviours include cutting,burning, head banging and other harmful acts. This may be done to help regulate their emotions, to punish themselves or to express their pain.

People with BPD are more likely to complete suicide than people with any other psychiatric illness. 8-10 per cent is the rate of borderline suicides and this is more than 50 times the rate of suicide in the general population. The reason for so many suicides?....

Emotional experiences are so painful that many would like to find a way to escape. BPD is a chronic condition which means it usually lasts for years and there may seem to be no other way out of it.

Suicide is a serious risk for people suffering with BPD that must ALWAYS be taken seriously.