Locked out again, I was ten minutes late!
You would think I would learn that this was my fate
"Go away" she would say, "you're not wanted here"
Those words are still ringing everyday in my ear.
I'd start by sitting outside the front door
But I would be numb from the frost on the floor
I'd walk and I'd cry and I'd hear a fox yelp
And I'd realise that I was alone without help.
I'd walk up the road and into the farm
Where maybe I'd be a bit safer from harm
I knew where the key was, the key to the shed
And I'd lock myself in there to sort out my head.
I'd sleep all alone on the broken down seat
Except for two dogs who provided some heat
They were my covers, I was cold to the core
My limbs stiff and hurting behind bolted door.
Frozen with fear and too frightened to stir
Except for the occassional stroking of fur
I would make sure I was sleeping before it got dark
I would wake when the cock crowed and be up with the lark
I would then make a fire out of sticks and old hay
And go fetch an egg that was laid on the day
I'd put some cold water in a rusty old tin
And I'd fashion a spoon with what I found in the bin.
I would lock up the shed and I'd smooth down my hair
And I'd make it look like I'd never been there
And then I'd go home and get ready for school
And nothing was said as I entered the hall...
Suzanne Morris
Followers
Friday 14 October 2016
Thursday 1 October 2015
Introduction to BPD
Back in May, I discovered that it was Borderline Personality Awareness month. I decided to post information about this illness every day throughout May on a social media site. 3 years ago, I was diagnosed with BPD myself but was told that I have probably had it since adolescence. It affects my life greatly and I wanted to raise awareness and let people know exactly what it is. I am going to put the information on this blog in hope that I can reach a larger audience and raise more awareness and understanding...
Wednesday 30 September 2015
Day 1
What is Borderline
Personality Disorder?
Borderline
personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness marked by
unstable moods, behaviour, and relationships. In 1980, the Diagnostic
and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders, Third Edition (DSM-III)
listed BPD as a diagnosable illness for the first time. Most
psychiatrists and other mental health professionals use the DSM to
diagnose mental illnesses.
Because some people
with severe BPD have brief psychotic episodes, experts originally
thought of this illness as atypical, or borderline, versions of other
mental disorders. While mental health experts now generally agree
that the name "borderline personality disorder" is
misleading, a more accurate term does not exist yet.
Most people who have
BPD suffer from:
- Problems with
regulating emotions and thoughts
- Impulsive and
reckless behavior
- Unstable
relationships with other people.
People with this
disorder also have high rates of co-occurring disorders, such as
depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and eating disorders,
along with self-harm, suicidal behaviors, and completed suicides.
Tuesday 29 September 2015
Day 2:
Criteria:
This is the criteria
for being diagnosed with BPD. You need to have 5 or more of these
characteristics. I have all 9. Tomorrow I will go into more detail
about each characteristic.
A pervasive pattern
of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and
affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and
present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of
the following:
1. Frantic efforts
to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal
or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
2. A pattern of
unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by
alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity
disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense
of self.
4. Impulsivity in at
least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending,
sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not
include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
5. Recurrent
suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6. Affective
instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense
episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few
hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings
of emptiness.
8. Inappropriate,
intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent
displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. Transient,
stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
Monday 28 September 2015
Day 3:
Behaviour:
Yesterday I posted
the criteria for having Borderline Personality Disorder. In order to
be diagnosed with this illness, you need to have 5 or more of the 9
criteria.
People with BPD have
longer, deeper and more extreme reactions to situations. They are
susceptible to impulsive behaviour in an attempt to relieve
themselves of the unbearable emotional pain they experience. They
also take a lot longer to come back to base point than a person
without BPD.
This emotion is
backed by a very real fear of abandonment. For instance, I spend most
of my time worrying about being left by the people I love the most. I
have no friends and this is because I have made sure that I get rid
of them before they can abandon me. I feel so lonely sometimes but
would rather that than be abandoned.
We also have a
pattern of unstable and very intense interpersonal relationships. I
have had so much pain in relationships. People with BPD do something
called "splitting" which means we view others as either all
good or all bad. There is nothing in between. I can love someone one
minute and despise them the next. It is so confusing not just for me
but for others. For this reason I have decided that I cannot have
another relationship, not ever.
We have intense mood
swings. I often display inappropriate bouts of anger, I feel great
sadness, panic or despair. My moods can change 57,000 times a day. It
is confusing and frightening. Most of the time I can't tell how I am
feeling, I can't label my emotions because I am feeling too many
things at once.
Tomorrow I will
continue. I am finding this really hard and almost wish I hadn't
started but this is something I need to do. No- one knows about BPD
and I have lived with it my whole life. I don't suppose anyone is
even reading this but I will try my best to raise awareness.........
Sunday 27 September 2015
Day 4:
Causes:
I will start by
saying.... May the fourth be with you.
BPD is likely to be
caused by a combination of factors:
*Genes from your
parent/caregiver may make you more vulnerable to develop it.
*Research suggests
that some people with BPD have a number of regions in the brain with
abnormal structure and function.
*Events that
happened in your past, such as your relationship with your family and
your upbringing appear to play an important role in BPD. Unresolved
fear, anger and distress from childhood can lead to a variety of
distorted adult thinking patterns. You may have BPD because of one of
these factors or a combination.
BPD is often
misdiagnosed. It is often confused with Bipolar Disorder. However,
with Bipolar, mood changes last weeks or even months but with BPD,
mood changes are much shorter and are often within a day! oh joy!
Co-morbidity means
that BPD often occurs with other illnesses. This also makes it hard
to diagnose because symptoms can overlap with BPD symptoms. Other
illnesses include major depression, which I have, anxiety disorders,
substance abuse and eating disorders among others. I personally have
depression - hence not being diagnosed earlier with BPD, OCD, panic
attacks and anxiety disorder. I used to have the cleaning type of OCD
but that has developed into obsessive compulsive thoughts and
ruminations. These are repetitive and disturbing and often quite
horrific. I also have PTSD ( Post traumatic stress disorder) and
something as simple as a noise can give me a flashback to a past
traumatic event.
BPD is a serious
mental illness and it is well documented that mental illness and
physical illness can be related. A lot of sufferers have back pain,
migraines and fibromyalgia amongst other things.
Sorry this has been
a long one..........tomorrow people.
Saturday 26 September 2015
Day 5:
Personality
Disorders:
There are 10
different personality disorders.
These are: Paranoid, Schizoid,
Schizotypal, Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, Narcissistic,
Avoidant, Dependant and Obsessive- compulsive.
You can have one
type of personality disorder or if you're lucky like me, you can
cross over into other types. When I was diagnosed, I was told I had
personality disorder with borderline, avoidant and depressive
features.
So I am a typical
borderline with all the criteria of a borderline but I am avoidant.
Someone with
Narcissistic personality disorder would have an inflated sense of
self importance and someone with Antisocial personality disorder may
be callous and cynical. These people may have that diagnosis alone or
it may be mixed with one or more of the other disorders. To be a
personality disorder, symptoms must have been present for an extended
period of time ,are inflexible and pervasive and are not a result of
drugs/ alcohol or another psychiatric condition. The symptoms can be
traced back to adolescence or early adulthood and cause distress or
negative consequences in different aspects of a persons life.
The Avoidant finds
loss and rejection so painful that they will choose to be lonely
rather than risk trying to connect with others. They feel it is
better to keep silent than to tell others how they feel. I personally
avoid everything. I don't like to go out, I don't want to socialise
or have friends. I have a long pattern of withdrawal and self-hatred
and sensitivity to criticism. I have social anxiety so remove myself
from social situations to avoid being rejected or feeling ashamed.
No-one would ever choose to live this lifestyle as it destroys
virtually everything around them. I am aware that my behaviour is
destructive but I feel unable to change it. I see danger in
everything and I avoid things because of fear. I am scared of the
world and the people in it. If I do have to meet anyone for any
reason, they are scanned for any slight sign of rejection -a look, a
sigh, anything at all. I will take it and see it as a sign that they
hate me. Even the words they use in a conversation will be taken away
and I will ruminate on them, over and over until I am convinced that
I am hated. I feel unworthy and it is absolutely exhausting. These
irrational thoughts then turn into self-hatred which makes me
withdraw more. I have never even been able to post anything on
facebook because I think I will be judged, or hated or it wouldn't be
good enough or it will offend etc etc...I am a victim of my own mind.
Anyway I have no
idea why I am going on about myself so much, it's meant to be about
the illness. I'll behave myself tomorrow....
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